ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
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me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]