I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
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me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”