Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself