People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
The sacred texts.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?