Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
All. The. Damn. Time.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.