[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
You Might Also Like
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please