The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.