me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
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[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
my mom making me talk to relatives
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?