This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
starting a garage orchestra
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Is your wife single?
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.