[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
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My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Botany good plants lately?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.