Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho