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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree