Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
How did we not see this back then?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.