Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no