[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried