[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
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Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
@ candidates for local office
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
me logging onto twitter
Hitlers gonna hitl