Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
What the hell happened in there??
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.