Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.