I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
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Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it