“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
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My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?