academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
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50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am