My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
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All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War