Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
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“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I’m sure it’s fine.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange