[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Good news
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”