just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
You Might Also Like
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
#polloftheday
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.