I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol