I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
🙂🐾
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like