God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
You Might Also Like
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My diet starts in January
of 2027