me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
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A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued