you’d think eating your young was more filling.
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her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.