Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I don鈥檛 care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
As soon as we鈥檙e able to go to church again I鈥檓 not going.
4: mama you鈥檙e a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you鈥檙e round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 馃グ馃グ馃グ
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she鈥檒l go away.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
3yo: dad I鈥檓 swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don鈥檛 drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how鈥檇 you get such a low interest rate on your milk?