I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
excuse me
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?