COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
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Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
cat vs inanimate object
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal