[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.