Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I feel this so hard
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.