Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
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I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Isn’t
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too