My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My work here is don’t.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
time for some seasonal decor
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.