ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
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“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
3% human
97% stress
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.