A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Optional boss fight.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Twitter remains undefeated
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.