No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
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Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.