In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
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Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
No, he would not have.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.