It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
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When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Meow
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.