11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
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Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I’m not wrong
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital