My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.