Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
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Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I am yelling
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???