Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
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Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]