Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.