the dark web is just a goth google.
You Might Also Like
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.