I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
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I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*