My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.